Quotations by Steven Wright

98 Found
Displaying 1 through 50


Born: Tuesday, December 6, 1955
Profession: Comedian
Nationality: American


A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: People)

At one point he decided enough was enough.
- Steven Wright

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Babies, Baby, Beach, Day, Vacation)

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Country)

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Curiosity)

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Coffee, Employees)

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Washington)

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Hate, Night, Will)

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Press)

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Time, Walking)

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Birthday, Fight)

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Talk)

Hermits have no peer pressure.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Pressure)

How young can you die of old age?
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Age, Old)

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
- Steven Wright

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Time, Water)

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Luck, Years)

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Worry)

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
- Steven Wright

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Now, Water)

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Car, Friend, Friends)

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Walking)

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Car, Driving)

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Home, Car, Machine, Now)

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
- Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: World)

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Car, People)

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: People)

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord.
- Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: People)

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: End)

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Buying, Clothes)

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Car, Play)

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Now)

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Time, Coffee)

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Birthday, Singing)

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Car)

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Time)

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Advertising)

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Night, Old)

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: God, Civilization)

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Company, Wrong)

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Work, Fire)

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Future)

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Thought, Reading)

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Mind, Trying)

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Walking)

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Thinking)

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
- Steven Wright
(Keywords: Open)



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