Quotations by Fred Allen

50 Found
Displaying 1 through 50


Born: Thursday, May 31, 1894
Died: Saturday, March 17, 1956 (61 years old)
Profession: Comedian
Nationality: American


A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Life, Being, Celebrity)

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: People, Committee, Nothing)

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Committee)

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: People, Nothing)

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Gentleman, Woman)

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Press, Will)

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Humor)

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Life, Success, Actor, Popularity)

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Advertising, Confusion)

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Hollywood, Will)

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Tax, Income)

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
- Fred Allen

California is a great place to live if you're an orange.
- Fred Allen

Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Men, Committee, Nothing)

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Men, Talk, Today)

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Talent, Will)

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Man)

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Creation, Style, Will)

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Mistake, People, Hollywood, Stars)

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Faces, Names, Trouble)

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Will)

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Family)

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Want)

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Boston)

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: College, Day, Law)

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: People)

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Play)

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
- Fred Allen

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Race)

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Imitation, Television)

It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Love, Achievement, Goals, Dependence, World)

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Men, Life)

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Failure, Church, First)

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Father, Children, Self)

My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
- Fred Allen

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Men, Mediocrity)

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: God, Church, Stars)

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: People, Television)

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Television)

Television is the triumph of machine over people.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: People, Machine, Television)

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Men, Advertising, Space, World)

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: First, Paris)

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Religion, Time, People, Church, First)

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Time, Walking)

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Advertising, Vice)

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Act, Employees)

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Actor, Actors, Competition, Washington)

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: History, Time, Age, Comedy, First, Jokes, Living, Machine)

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Mind, Will)

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
- Fred Allen
(Keywords: Heart, Hollywood, Sincerity)







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